Shattered Read online

  Luke again doesn’t respond to what I’ve just said. “Any more panic attacks?”

  “No. I told you earlier I haven’t had any more.”

  “Sorry. It’s been a weird day.” Luke’s distractedness is still foreign to me even though it shouldn’t be any more, our conversations are often like this now. I thought it was work at first, but I’ve come to realize he’s like this when we talk in the evenings, too. “I’m looking forward to seeing you on Sunday.”

  I fiddle with the hem of my skirt. “Are you?”

  “Of course. What makes you ask that?”

  “This is the longest stretch we’ve gone without seeing each other. I thought you were looking forward to your massage appointment.” I let the words linger.

  I hear Luke curse under his breath. “I was. I mean, I am. I just…I have some things going on here I have to take care of.”

  “Right, that’s what you’ve said.”

  “I’ll make it up to you.”

  My chest tightens. “I don’t need you to make it up to me.”

  “Jess, I haven’t been there, but I want to be. I hate that I haven’t been there for you the way I should.” Luke sounds like he may be genuinely remorseful, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

  I take a deep breath. “Just tell me what’s going on. You were practically ready to move down here and now you’re too busy for even a weekend visit.”

  “I’ve been preoccupied with things here. I’ll do better.” His voice is strained.

  “I wanted some space. I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave completely.”

  “I know. It’s not anything you did.” Luke doesn’t say any additional words to ease my fears. The fact that he’s only offering small, nearly meaningless words of assurance is worrisome.

  I wait for a few seconds, concentrating on my heart which is pounding in my chest. I’m afraid of what answers I may hear, but I can’t hold it in any longer. “Are we okay?”

  “Jess…”

  “Don’t insult me by saying everything is fine when it’s clearly not.” My voice breaks. “Are you cheating on me?”

  “No. I would never do that to you,” he says without hesitation, but I know there’s something he’s not telling me. “I promise that’s not something you ever have to worry about with me.”

  “Things haven’t been great lately. I mean, we called off the wedding…”

  “We postponed the wedding, we didn’t call it off. The day you become Mrs. Taylor will be the best day of my life.” Luke’s voice is serious, he’s definitely not distracted now.

  “Then what is it? What aren’t you telling me?” I plead.

  Luke is silent. I would think we got disconnected, but I can hear him breathing.

  “Hello?” I say into the silence.

  “I’m going to rearrange my schedule. I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. We can spend the entire weekend together,” he says, before halfway covering the phone to respond to someone else. “I’m sorry, but I have to go, Aaron needs me. I have a dinner with clients tonight which will probably go late, but I’ll see you tomorrow and we can talk then.”

  My chest aches, but I manage to say, “Okay.”

  “I love you.” He tries to sound reassuring, but I hear a sadness in his voice. Instead of being comforted by the words, I find them terrifying. Instinct tells me he has been hiding something, something he wants to confess in person. This isn’t good.

  “I love you, too.”

  I wait ten minutes after we hang up before I call his office.

  “Good afternoon, AL Investments how can I help you?”

  “Hi Ashley, this is Jessica. Luke’s voicemail is full again and he’s not responding to texts. I was wondering if he left in time to get to his doctor’s appointment.” I take a guess he’s either headed to another appointment or has made up a new fake one.

  “Hi, Jessica. Yes, his driver showed up in plenty of time to get him there.”

  “Great. Thank you.”

  I was relieved when Luke said he wasn’t cheating. I feel bad for even thinking it, but I never thought Grant would, either. Being completely caught off guard with his affair somehow made it feel extra hurtful, like he was internally laughing about how stupid and trusting I was.

  But Luke isn’t Grant and I have to remember that.

  “Oh no.” I say aloud as realization dawns that Luke may be hiding something even worse than an affair.

  I tossed and turned all last night, but I didn’t have a panic attack. I should be tired, but instead I’m amped up on adrenaline.

  Somehow, I make it through the work day, but I’m eager to leave by the time I hear Linda packing up for the weekend. Linda is heading up north for the weekend to help her daughter pick out her dress and hire vendors for her summer wedding.

  “Bye, Linda. Have fun wedding planning,” I yell to her in the other room of our small two-room office.

  “Thanks, see you Monday,” she calls back.

  “See you Monday.”

  It’s my weekend with Amelia, but my mom asked for her to spend the night, so she’s picking her up from school today. Luke should already be waiting for me at the house.

  The ten-minute drive home provides more than enough time to run a couple of worst case scenarios through my head.

  I pull into the garage, next to Luke’s car and take a steadying breath. I throw in a prayer that this has nothing to do with his health and go inside.

  Luke is standing at the island working on his laptop.

  “Hey.” He steps up to me and places a simple kiss on my cheek. After not seeing each other for weeks, the gesture feels small and it immediately creates an awkwardness between us.

  “Hey.” I set my purse on the counter and pull a bottle of wine from the fridge. “How was your flight?”

  “It was good.”

  As a general rule, I hate small talk. I hate it even more when it’s stalling more important conversations. I lean back against a counter and wait. I’m not sure what I’m going to find out tonight, but it’s time.

  Luke rubs the back of his neck when he sees my stance. “Let’s sit.”

  I follow and take a seat next to him on the couch. I place a hand on my stomach, trying to calm the angst bubbling there.

  “I want to start out by saying I’m sorry I’ve caused you to worry. My main goal in all of this has been to avoid causing you any additional stress. I realized on the phone yesterday that my efforts have completely backfired.”

  Luke’s speaking quicker than normal, and he’s already raked a hand through his hair twice since I sat down. His uneasiness is making me even more edgy. I decide it’s better not to say much and let him do the talking.

  “I’ve been trying to handle something on my own. I have been busy at work, but I’ve been avoiding coming here, too. I don’t like keeping things from you and I knew if I saw you, I’d tell you and it wasn’t the right time yet. It’s been such an awful couple months and with your panic attacks…I couldn’t, not yet.”

  He looks so conflicted, so pained, I can’t help myself. “Luke, I already know.”

  “You do?” Luke’s eyes grow wide, but then he narrows them in confusion.

  “I do. Don’t be angry with her, but Ashley sort of told me. I called a few times when you were out, and she must’ve assumed I already knew because she inadvertently told me.”

  Luke eyes me suspiciously. “What did Ashley tell you?”

  “I know you’ve been leaving work early the last few weeks to go to the doctor.”

  Luke rubs his palm over his face and looks up at the ceiling.

  “The last couple of months have been hard. I know my reaction to the miscarriage upset you, but Luke, whatever you’re going through, I can handle it. I want to be here for you. We’ll deal with whatever is going on with you together
. There are a lot of great doctors down here that you could see.” I place my hand on Luke’s and he brings his eyes back to mine.

  “You heard about doctor’s appointments and assumed I’m sick.” Luke squeezes his eyes shut, like saying the words hurt. I can tell by his tone I’ve assumed incorrectly and my stomach sinks.

  “You’re not sick, are you?” My voice sounds shaky.

  “No, I’m not sick.” Luke looks away from me.

  I remove my hand from his and lean back slightly. “Well, that’s good news.” I say the words halfheartedly. It is good news that he’s not sick, but that means there’s another explanation for his dishonesty coming my way.

  Luke sighs and sits up straight. “Okay.” He looks at me, but then looks away again. “Last fall, after the harvest event, I planned to stay away from you.”

  “I remember.” Luke sent some mixed signals that day and then left. I thought we were going to maintain a strictly professional relationship until he showed up at the winery investor dinner with different ideas.

  “I went home to San Francisco and tried to resume my life.” Luke takes a deep breath. “I never mentioned it, but when I came out for the crush event, I was dating someone.”

  “Oh.” I’m replaying our interactions from that day in my head. There was definitely some sexual tension between us, but nothing happened. I’m more familiar with Luke’s bachelor lifestyle than I’d care to be after overhearing things from other women, but this is the first I’ve heard of any actual relationship. The thought makes me feel like I’m going to be sick and I swallow hard.

  “I returned home, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I quickly realized I wasn’t being fair to anyone, not to her, you, or me. So, I ended things and came here to get you back.”

  My head is swimming through the mess of information I’m drowning in. I’m missing something. “Luke, what does this have to do with us now?”

  “I’m getting there.” Luke runs a hand through his hair again. “The woman I dated, Claire, and I hadn’t talked since I ended things. She called out of the blue.”

  My chest constricts, and I feel the blood drain from my face.

  “Jessica, I had no idea until she called.” Luke’s voice falters.

  “Luke, why did she call you?” My body tenses and my heart rate speeds up.

  He squeezes his eyes shut. “She called to let me know that she’s pregnant.”

  I exhale the breath I was holding in tight. I don’t say anything, I can’t. What am I supposed to say?

  Luke opens his eyes and they search mine, pleading for an indication that we’re going to be all right. I can’t give him anything right now. He places his hand on mine, a move to feel a little closer. “I know it’s a shock.”

  My mind races, causing the room to spin. “If you were with her last summer, then she would be due…” I try to do the mental math, but my head hurts.

  “Beginning of June,” Luke says quietly.

  “Why did she wait so long to tell you?” I ask one of the million questions overloading my brain.

  “She said she had to get used to the idea herself before she decided what to do. Apparently, she was angry with me for ending things so abruptly and didn’t want to talk to me again unless she had to. She decided to wait until the first trimester was over, just in case…” Luke trails off when he approaches the topic that pushes the knife deeper into the wound.

  I think back over the last week and remember Luke acting odd for a longer period of time. He’s been different since he returned to San Francisco only a couple of weeks after the miscarriage.

  Everything I’m feeling is all swirled together in a tight knot. “How long have you known?”

  Luke swallows hard. “Since the middle of January.”

  I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. My old companions hurt and betrayal are the first emotions to step forward and reclaim their residency. “January?” I stare at Luke in disbelief.

  “Yeah…”

  “Wait.” I interrupt him. “You’ve been keeping this from me for a month?”

  Luke’s face drops. “I’m sorry. When she called I had just gone back to work. It was only a couple weeks after the miscarriage. You were still dealing with it, or trying to, anyway. I couldn’t tell you yet. I couldn’t risk it.” He says all these words as though they explain how or why he could keep something like this from me for so long.

  “And you’re only telling me now because I thought you were having an affair or were hiding some awful illness?”

  “No.” Luke shakes his head. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you before, it was complicated. Of course, I was going to tell you.”

  “When?” I raise my voice and get up from the couch.

  Luke rises, too. “I was trying to protect you. And I didn’t exactly lie to you.”

  “Keeping secrets, especially big, life changing secrets, from someone you supposedly love is lying. Plus, I’m sure you haven’t been truthful about having work obligations the last several weekends.” I storm off to the kitchen, rubbing my temples, and trying to process exactly what this means for me, for us.

  “It’s not that simple.” Luke follows me. “I couldn’t tell you, not yet. I didn’t enjoy keeping it from you. Every conversation was hard. Every time I talked to you, I wanted to tell you, but every time I heard about your latest anxiety attack I was reminded this wasn’t about what I wanted to do, it was about what was best for you.”

  I spin around and take a step closer to him, my eyes narrowed sharply. “You do not get to lie to me and then tell me it was for my own good.”

  Luke raises his hands in front of him. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “You know my past, you know my issues and yet you still thought being dishonest was your best option?” Having my dad abandon me and my former husband cheat on me, I admit I have some deep rooted trust issues. Luke, of all people, should know how this would hurt me.

  “Yes.” Even though Luke sounds apologetic, this was not the answer I was hoping for.

  “What?” I blink several times to make sure I understood him correctly.

  “You may not like the option I chose, but this was not news to give you back in January. I was watching you fall apart, and I wasn’t about to deliver a final blow.” Luke crosses his arms across his broad chest, an action that immediately makes my pulse speed up.

  “You don’t get to decide what information I’m ready for and what I’m not.”

  “In this case, yes I do.”

  I’m so angry, I’m shaking. “You’re impossible. I’m not doing this with you right now.” I push myself off the counter, but Luke grabs me by the wrist. I stop and try to slow my breathing, but I don’t look back at him.

  “Don’t walk away. You said we would deal with whatever was going on together.” He’s trying to keep his voice calm, but I hear him breathing faster than normal.

  I swing around to face him, and he releases my wrist. “That’s not fair. I thought you were dying.” My words are sharp, and I regret them as soon as I say them, but Luke ignores them.

  He grabs my hands again and rubs his thumbs across the tops of my knuckles. “Let’s calm down for a minute. I know this was not the plan, but it doesn’t change anything between us.”

  I pull my hands from his, and turn my eyes down to my pink toenails. I close my eyes and remind myself to breath. My mind feels chaotic, like a maze I can’t figure out. I can’t make sense of what I’m feeling yet, so I say the first thing I think of. “It changes everything, Luke. You’re starting a family with someone else. The family we were supposed to have.” Saying this out loud makes the whole situation more real somehow, and I gasp for air.

  Luke sucks in a sharp breath. “Don’t say that.” He grabs my hands again and holds them tightly.

  I feel his eyes burn in to me, pleading f
or me to rethink my reaction, to take back my words, but I can’t look at him. “I need you to leave.”

  “Jessica…”

  I remove one hand from his, still squeezing my eyes shut. I place my palm gently on his chest and feel his heart is beating erratically underneath my fingertips. “Luke, I’m serious. I need you to leave right now.”

  “We don’t leave, remember?” Luke repeats the words he said when we got back together following my indecision over our relationship. It feels like a promise made between two different people than who we are today.

  I shake my head. “That’s not fair.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s all I have right now.” He brushes my hair back with his free hand. “Will you please look at me?”

  I don’t say anything, but slowly open my eyes and watch as the first tear slides down my cheek and hits the tiled floor below me. There’s nothing he can say to make this all right and he knows it.

  “Let go of my hand,” I whisper, and he stills. “Let go, Luke.”

  “I can’t,” he whispers, so softly I almost don’t hear it.

  I pull my hand slowly from his grasp and look up at him. “I agreed not to leave, but that was before there were secrets and lies.” My voice catches on the last words and more tears spill down my cheeks.

  Luke moves to wipe them away, but I lean back out of his reach. He opens his mouth to say something, but the doorbell rings and we freeze. We don’t make a sound, hoping the intruder goes away quickly. Suddenly, the front door opens, and I lean to where I can see my mom walking in.

  She catches sight of me. “Oh, I’m sorry, hon. I rang the doorbell, but when you didn’t answer, I thought I would just sneak in. Amelia forgot her special blanket.”

  My eyes widen. I can’t have Amelia here right now. I can’t have her witness this.

  My mom looks at my tear stained face and understands. “It’s all right. Amelia’s still in the car, she wanted to finish reading her book and asked me to run and get her blanket for her.”

  “Hi, Jill.” Luke passes me and walks toward my mom. She watches me from over his shoulder as he hugs her.

  “Sorry to interrupt.” Her expression is one of concern as she looks back and forth between us. “What’s going on here?”