Shattered Read online

  After I put Amelia in bed, I get a text from Luke.

  Luke: How was your day?

  Me: Good. Linda and I went to out for lunch after we completed the revenue reports you requested.

  Luke: That’s good. Hey, I have some bad news. I have an unplanned meeting that came up and I need to stay in San Francisco this weekend.

  I’m disappointed, but I don’t want to make him feel worse than he undoubtedly already does. He wouldn’t stay if it wasn’t important.

  Me: That’s OK. I have Amelia this weekend, so I’ll take her to do something. I think that new superhero movie she keeps talking about comes out.

  Luke: I won’t lie, I really hope you get out of the house. Wish I was going to be there. I was looking forward to seeing both of you.

  Me: I know, but work is important.

  Luke: Yeah.

  I’m trying to think of what to say next, when I see that Luke is typing something.

  Luke: I love you.

  Me: I love you, too.

  It’s perhaps the shortest text sequence in our recent past. I wait for a minute to see if he’s going to type anything else. When he doesn’t, I type “Good night”, hit send and plug my phone in to charge. I only make it a few minutes into the crime drama I recorded before falling asleep.

  I wake up to a pounding heart and drenched pajamas. Another panic attack.

  My breathing is shallow and my chest hurts, but this time I know what it is. I decide to try one of the techniques I read about online this week. I sit up in bed and breathe while placing one hand on my chest and one hand on my belly. After several minutes of controlled breathing, I feel calm enough to get out of bed. I change my clothes then climb back under the covers. I debate for several more minutes before picking up my phone.

  “Hello?” His sleepy voice makes me instantly regret calling and waking him.

  “Luke?” My voice comes out more strained than I intend.

  “What’s wrong?” He instantly sounds more alert after hearing my voice.

  “I’m okay. I’m sorry to wake you. I had another anxiety attack. I told you I would tell you if I did.” The truth is, I’m calling as much for him as I am me, hearing his voice is soothing. The space this week has been good, but I admit I wish he was here right now.

  “Do you want me to call your mom? Have her come over?”

  “No.” I pause for several seconds. “I wanted to hear your voice.”

  “I should be there.” I know he’s blaming himself for not being here, even though it was me who pushed him away.

  “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”

  “I know.” Luke pauses a moment. “I’ll change my meeting and come there tomorrow.”

  “That’s not necessary. Hearing your voice is enough for now. I miss you.”

  “That’s actually really nice to hear.” I can practically hear the smile in his voice.

  “I shouldn’t have told you to leave. Everything’s been…it’s all been a lot to process.”

  “I’ll try to be more patient. It’s hard for me to sit back and do nothing.” He yawns loudly, and I decide any questions I have about his reaction to me and the miscarriage can wait.

  “I’m going to let you get some sleep.”

  “All right, although I sleep better when I’m with you.”

  “That’s ironic, since more often than not you keep me from sleeping when you’re in my bed.” I smile at the thought.

  “Good point. You should definitely rest up before I return.” His voice dips lower.

  I can’t help but laugh a little. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait a little longer.”

  “I know, but you might want to start preparing yourself now for all the things I’m going to do to you.” His tone slips from flirty to downright provocative.

  “Oh yeah, like what?” I lower my voice to match his.

  “Do you still have that nurse’s outfit from Halloween?” His voice is gravelly. I bought the costume partially as a joke after the idea was brought up during a phone conversation. Between breaking up, getting back together, and finding out I was pregnant, I haven’t had the opportunity to wear it for him yet.

  “I do.” I’m glad he can’t see the ridiculous grin I’m wearing.

  “Perfect. I think I have some ailments that will need tending to by then. Some swelling that will definitely need to be eased.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to treat your case, but there are also some home remedies you can try in the meantime,” I snicker.

  “Home remedies are never as effective. I’m willing to wait until I can be seen by a specialist.”

  I imagine the wicked grin he’s undoubtedly wearing. “What did you have in mind?”

  “Prepping the area with that pretty mouth of yours would be a great start,” he says with no trace of embarrassment, while I blush instantly.

  “That could be arranged.”

  “I think that followed by a therapeutic massage would do the trick.”

  I can’t contain the giggle that escapes. “Therapeutic massage, huh?”

  “I’ll need you to really work me, though.”

  “I can handle that. I’ll mark your appointment on my calendar.” I force my voice to sound serious.

  “We may have to block off a whole day for it.” I giggle again and Luke sighs. “This was a bad idea. No way I’m falling back asleep now.”

  “Sorry.” I yawn.

  “Don’t be. I’m never sorry for losing sleep to you, even if it’s only thinking about being with you.” Luke yawns again. “Do you feel better?”

  “I do. I’m going to try to go back to sleep.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  I fall back asleep easily and dream of a nurse costume and a very satisfying massage.

  Luke flies in on Saturday night. By the time he gets to my house, Amelia is already in bed, and he looks exhausted. He pulls me into his lap when he sits on the couch and gives me a quick kiss before laying us down in a position comfortable for movie watching. The hero hasn’t even met his nemesis before I hear Luke lightly snoring behind me.

  I wake Luke up to go to bed and he groggily follows me upstairs. As I try to fall asleep, my mind begins to race with thoughts of work projects I need to complete next week and Amelia’s field trip next month. I sit up and take a big drink of cold water. It doesn’t help. I slip on my robe and go downstairs, tiptoeing quietly so as not to wake anyone. I feel the panic and tears building as I hold onto the kitchen island. They are right on the surface when a hand grabs my shoulder making me jump.

  “What the?” I yell as I turn around to confront an apologetic looking Luke. My tears bubble over and I struggle to breathe. The rush of panic makes me crumple down to the kitchen floor in a heap. Luke follows me and sits with a thump in front of me.

  “Deep breaths.” He says the words calmly, but I see his chest moving up and down rapidly. “Name five things you can see.”

  “What?” I struggle to inhale enough air.

  “It’ll help. Name five things you see.”

  “I see the dishwasher. I see the cabinets. I see the towel that fell off the counter.” I look past the kitchen into the family room. “I see the couch.” I take another deep breath and close my eyes. I open them to see Luke staring at me intently. “I see you.”

  He smiles at my last answer. “Name four things you feel.”

  “I feel the cold tile beneath me. I feel the cool air against my arms. I feel my soft pajamas.” I look to my hand rubbing the brushed cotton of my sleep bottoms and Luke rests his palm on my thigh. “I feel your warm hand through the material.”

  This elicits another smile from him. “Name three things you hear.”

  “I hear the wind throug
h the window I left open to air out the kitchen. I hear the refrigerator buzzing. I hear…” I close my eyes and concentrate. “I hear you breathing.”

  “Name two things you smell.”

  “I smell the plug-in air freshener. I smell your cologne.”

  “Name one thing you taste.”

  I swallow, but nothing comes to mind. I lean into Luke and he meets me. I place a soft kiss on his lips. “Cinnamon toothpaste.”

  He smiles at me and gives me another kiss, but pulls back before we get too carried away.

  “Thank you. Did you used to do that with your mom?”

  He nods, and his expression turns serious. I place my hand on his.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I see glimpses of the emotions he works so hard to conceal.

  “Later.” Luke stands and extends his hand to me. I grab it and he pulls me up. “Let’s go back to bed.”

  We don’t say anything else, we don’t need to. He was there when I needed him, and I realize I need him more than I like to admit. Luke falls asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around me. Usually when we fall sleep this way, the act feels more comforting. This time the gesture reminds me of someone holding onto something, afraid to lose it.

  I come downstairs in the morning to find Luke and Amelia eating cereal and watching cartoons.

  “Morning, Mom. We let you sleep in.” Amelia beams when she sees me.

  “I see that, what are you watching?” I grab a mug from the cabinet.

  “A Barbie movie. They’re Luke’s favorite.” Amelia giggles and clasps a hand over her mouth.

  “You weren’t supposed to tell anyone, Amelia,” Luke teases her, and she giggles more.

  “Amelia and I were thinking we should get out of the house today, head down to the beach and walk around.” Luke joins me in the kitchen, rinsing out their bowls and putting them in the dishwasher.

  “Come on, Mom, it will be fun.” Amelia bounces in behind him.

  I don’t feel like it, but we have spent a lot of time at home lately, a fact that makes me feel like I’m not being the best mom. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” Luke raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Yeah.” I pour myself a cup of coffee. “Give me an hour.”

  We spend the day walking around and stopping to look in stores. Despite the chilly temperatures, the sun shines brightly and there is something inherently nostalgic about the salty ocean air. Amelia often walks in the middle, holding one of mine and one of Luke’s hands. Even though she’s getting older, she’s still loving and affectionate and I try to soak up every minute of it that I can.

  When we stop for lunch, I go with Amelia to use the restroom. There is a young woman changing her infant’s diaper. I avert my eyes as much as possible, but they are still damp by the time we rejoin Luke at the table. Amelia gives me a hug once we’re back in the booth, but none of us say anything else about it during lunch. I do my best to put on a happy front for everyone’s sake, but the knot in my stomach is a reminder of what I lost.

  Chapter 4

  This is the second weekend in a row that Luke won’t be coming back to Temecula. I have no room to complain, though. I miss him when he’s not here, but when he is here, I often resent his hovering over me.

  We’ve had some nice moments, mostly revolving around time spent with Amelia, but we’re definitely out of sync. I wish we could come out from underneath the dark cloud that seems to be hanging over our relationship. The fact that I’ve only seen him a handful of days in the past three weeks isn’t helping us get back on track any quicker.

  “How’s the medication working?” Luke asks over the sound of ruffling papers.

  I hate to admit it but going to see a doctor was a good idea. After my fourth anxiety attack in two weeks I reluctantly agreed to go. I can take the medication when I feel like I need it and it doesn’t make me feel weird, just stops a full-blown attack from happening. “Good, no attacks this week. I even went for a run after work yesterday.” This will make Luke happy, a sign that I’m getting back into a normal routine, mentally and physically.

  “That’s great.” He responds as if I’d just told him what I had for lunch. I obviously misjudged how my decision to get some exercise would be received.

  “I wish you were coming here this weekend.” When I mentioned to Luke I had gotten my period last week he mumbled something about his new client being a moron. I tell myself that he was just too distracted with work and my announcement didn’t even register with him. Nonetheless, I was too timid to mention it again and have been waiting for him to bring up something that would serve as an introduction to announcing I’m open for business again. He hasn’t.

  “Yeah me, too.” Luke doesn’t sound sincere, he sounds preoccupied. “Can I call you back?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll call you later. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” I get the words out right before he hangs up.

  I let out a sigh and toss my head back.

  “You all right in there?” My assistant, Linda, calls from her desk.

  “Luke’s not coming again this weekend,” I say, walking out of my office. “I don’t know. Things feel off. I asked for space, but I didn’t expect this much.” Linda has been my assistant for over five years now and I’ve counted her as a friend for nearly as long.

  She looks up from her computer to give me her full attention.

  “He says he misses me, but he has some stuff in San Francisco he needs to sort out. He’s tried to be reassuring and calls often, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something he’s not telling me.”

  “It shouldn’t be surprising that he’s busy. With the amount of time and energy he puts into this place, not to mention he still has other investments that need his attention, I always assumed Luke was a work seven days a week kind of guy.”

  “He is, but he’s always made time for me and Amelia, too.”

  “Being here for several weeks at Christmas and then after with the miscarriage, there’s bound to be a lot for him to catch up on right now. I’m sure it’s temporary.” Linda tries to reassure me.

  “He doesn’t seem himself.” I think for a minute before continuing. I’m crossing over into oversharing, but I need to get some of my thoughts out. “It’s been six weeks since the miscarriage, physically I’m healed. This weekend was supposed to be kind of a special weekend.”

  Linda nods, immediately understanding the significance. “And he’s not coming…literally.”

  I laugh. “Stop it. I thought he was looking forward to it as much as I was, but he hasn’t mentioned anything about it in weeks.”

  “Could you go up there?”

  “He didn’t ask me to. I would have if he’d he asked.” Red flags are waving frantically at me and alarms are blaring in my head, but I can’t bring myself to say aloud what I’m thinking.

  “He’s busy and he knows you’ve been having a hard time. Men don’t always think of asking.”

  “You’re probably right.” I say the words, but don’t really believe them. I hate where my thoughts have drifted to. Luke had a notorious reputation when he was single, but he’s never given me any real reason to suspect he’d cheat on me. I fear that because of Grant’s affair, I’ll always have that worry in the back of my head.

  I return to my desk and call Luke’s cell. It goes to voicemail, but the automated message indicates his mailbox is full. I think of sending a text, but decide I’d rather talk to him. I dial his work number instead. After several rings, the call is forwarded to his assistant.

  “Good afternoon, AL Investments, how can I help you?”

  “Hi Ashley, this is Jessica. I’m trying to get ahold of Luke.”

  “Hi, Jessica. Luke just walked out the door to go to his doctor appointment.”

  “Doctor appointment?” I attempt to cover
my stunned reaction. “Oh, that’s right.” Luke never mentioned anything about this to me. I rack my brain trying to remember is he’s hinted at not feeling well.

  “You should try him on his cell.” Ashley offers.

  “His voicemail is full, but I’ll send him a text.” I think quickly, trying to extract as much information from this conversation as I can. “I can’t remember if he said he was coming back into the office after or if he was going straight home.”

  “He wasn’t sure. He said since it’s a follow up appointment it shouldn’t take as long as last month. He’ll call me when he knows what time he’ll be back in. I’ll let him know you called.”

  “No need. I’ll get ahold of him. Thanks Ashley.”

  I try not to jump to any nasty conclusions, but there’s obviously something going on. I remember Luke specifically mentioning at the first prenatal appointment we went to that he hated doctor offices and avoided them as much as possible. We laughed about how he was going to have to get over his aversion when he said he wanted to come to every visit with me.

  I can’t think of one good reason he’d be going to the doctor multiple times and not telling me about it. Unless he’s lying to Ashley about where he’s going.

  “Hi.” I attempt to sound as casual as possible. It’s been a week since the mystery doctor appointment and Luke still hasn’t brought it up. The distance between us feels amplified by my current suspicions that he’s lying every time we talk.

  “Hey, I only have a few minutes, work is crazy today.”

  “No problem. What are you working on?”

  Luke ignores my question. “How’s your day going?”

  “Good, but busy. Mrs. Bianchi asked for a revised operating budget in light of the latest projection adjustments, so I had to put those together.”